dear gwen

dear gwen, (if you can't make it out alive in this corona virus situation)

year 2020, you're 32. 10 years of being a nurse made you numb on numerous things. your heart hardened because of the ICU. nursing is caring. on the job, it is all you do, but once you tap the card out of the hospital, you forget everything. you have that talent. sifting what to remember.

dec 2019, the world had a glimpse of how coronavirus claimed multiple souls in china. the massive impact in the hospitals caused the closure of a city! whole wuhan went into lockdown. days rolled and the virus spread world wide. it became a pandemic. new year 2020 came and days became quick. the whole world was in a state of shock. first time in history, nyc slept. italy went in full lockdown. not a single penny was dropped in the fountain of trevi. you read the news that reflect on what you do. suddenly news are all about what you do. ventilators became a layman term. suddenly people are aware of infection control and the importance of PPEs. your job is higlighted online. it was like a nightmare and you know you are needed. because as usual who will do it if not you?

 records of covid patient rose its number, the isle got also hit. whole icu was slowly filled with covid patients. elective surgeries were rescheduled. the system was feverish with the organized chaos of transfers and admission. psychologically it hit you badly. you are afraid. you don't know if this microscopic virus is on your hair, shoes, pockets, and hands. you are so anxious if you are a host and you spread it unconsciously. you even had the flu from being so stressed out. the work was heavier. people are asking you to quit.

i hope what you do now will more sense in the future. this is your calling. you don't know if until when you will heed and answer. it is unfair how your life is at stake with what you do to make a living. you did not sign up for this, but you did sign up to help people since day 1. you may not be a great daughter, friend, partner, but you are a great helper. you do this for the people who can't breathe, for the people who need to heal, for people who are dying...



gwen 2020



to my family i love you so much, to noel, im sorry i did not quit. i really wanna grow old with you guys. if i die helping other people, why not. but surely, i am a young human and still very selfish that i still want to enjoy life and i still want to look forward to my future milestones. i hope really no one close to my heart will die from this virus.i hope im braver than what i feel right now.


im publishing it next year.. april 13 2021..

another blank slate. :)

what kind of paint will I use? will I splutter it with ink instead? erase a lot of mistakes? or keep the mistakes and wing it? 

my day is a blank slate. and honestly, many of my days are left blank. sometimes speckled with few dots and bland colors. YES, I'm BORED. I am in dire need of change to add some neon in my canvass. Lately,  I find time pass by so quickly. Well, I'm not in awe because I'm on my annual leave. Boring days away from work is bliss. I really hope to find what I'm passionate about really soon.. "Spicier life is a well-lived life." But with my personality, I don't want to much intense drama scene though. Small steady fun changes preferred! 

Coronavirus sprinkled with mass wakefulness from a lot of social injustices happening worldwide headlined the media. I'm in the middle of social change. one day, when my future kid/kids will ask me what I did in 2020s, I need to remember that I was, a quiet nurse doing the ICU nursing things requiring a ton of elbow grease and a heart of steel. 

I might be changing my career soon... So help me God. 

A patient of mine, a CEO of a multinational IT corporation, told me that he regrets that he did not travel as much when he was younger. He said he was always traveling around but not touring around. He lacked the adventure in every flight he took in numerous countries. He was so overworked.

I just realized that health is such a big human equalizer. I hope we all try to make the best of what physical body given to us. I need to stop eating crisps. 

control

I am a control freak. I'm scared that if my timeline on things doesn't get followed, it is over! My life will be a mess and I will die poor or sad or combined and it's game over!!! 😞

Opportunities can be a headache too! The more path that promises greener future you have, the crazier it gets. What if I am happy now and I screw up our future if I'll commit and try????! My age is not helping a lot too! Apart from my egg cells reserves, I am at the stage in my life that I want to stay and blossom in a place that I will choose. I am praying to God that I am not making any mistakes and my jump is for the better. I don't go to church anymore. I am also not as prayerful. Maybe this is why I am not at peace! My mental and physical health is suffering because I lack spirituality. I am insomniac and I've been eating a lot of Weetabix to compensate the hollow feeling I have in my gut. I am looking for something somewhere. I am just scared that it is just right here and I just don't appreciate it.

It's a bit therapeutic when I write it down like this. It helps that the letters and paper are in contrast--black and white. But life has a lot of colors, periwinkle, salmon, coral, not just grey baby!! I hope you get the pun people! I am very happy now, but will I be happier somewhere else?

urgh. I don't know how to answer it btw.... so help me God.




xoxo

gwen the confused 32 years old (haha-huhu).

May this season be a happy moment to y'all. I hope we keep loads of snippets of good memory with self, family, and friends that we can treasure for the rest of our lives.

<3 Gwen

dream

I dream to write essays my future self will approve, appreciate, and be proud of. How will it happen when I always start writing, then stop, then start again.... It is frustrating how I procrastinate on a lot of things. I'm at my ripe age of 31. I do feel I'm not accomplishing a lot of things in life yet.

denying our existence

2nd year anniversary is approaching and people are hounding us when we will have a child. I mean cmon having one is awesome but I believe it's not an overnighter to decide when.  However, over the 2 years we had been together, we have decided on "how many".

drumrollll....

We want to have an only child!!!

A sole heir to our future million dollar estates (lol I wish!).  I mean one is good and awesome enough. One child will already be like hitting a jackpot.

BUT!!! both of us are the second sibling. We even laughed at how our parents were probably disappointed with our sexes. He is a male after a male 1st born and I am a female after my older sister. Noel even said, "ah that's why you look like a boy". Well thank you, if I look like a boy, well there's something going on about your sexual preference (haha. our jokes are crazy).

We concluded how each of us might not be existing if our parents chose to have an only child haha.

Well both of us are too sane to just relax, enjoy life, and enjoy each other. I really wanna worry about it 10 years from now but I'm getting older! I really want to have one but I still want a few more years to just chill and relax.